Caution: I can tell that this blog post is headed for emo nemo land today. Read at your own discretion.
You know sometimes when you're trying too hard, people can tell that you are just whiny and too desperate in feeling that you wanna be accepted. You wanna be a part of everything. Then when you realise that you're turning into this psycho biatch, you go in the other direction and try to be cool about everything, but you're forgotten and you're neither here nor there with any clique because you realise that you don't truly belong anywhere. You just want to be alone, of course maybe snuggled up with a loved one because he assures you that he's more important than all of that and will stick with you through thick and thin.
But you will always need close girl friends around you to share your joy and pain, whatever you're going through in life. When you eventually reflect on your life journey, it'll be a blessing to have someone laugh at the goofy moments you've shared and have someone remember the tough decisions we had to call and what we stand for.
That's why I usually hang out one-on-one, I find that it's so much easier to confide in one without getting into any kind of conflict with a group of people. And I was never presented with an opportunity to become a member in a group of my own, whether it was in any stage of my life. Everyone seems to have come and gone, no one group for the long haul. No connection, everything was on a superficial level. I feel that I haven't made an impact on anyone's life, nor has anyone really made one on mine. (Actually I think Karma bit me in the ass for this. hahaha. But that's a story for another day.)
During the times when I needed attention, I was almost certain I could count on B to be there for me. I knew that we would definitely catch up to talk about stuff even if it had happened 3 months ago, or longer in fact. True story. We were similar but actually not so similar, but we could understand each other in a certain way.
Thank you, B for being such a good friend and by God's will, even though we're apart, leading separate lives over the past few years without much contact, you're still ultimately someone whom I can just pour out my heartfelt and authentic thoughts and feelings to. (The only person other than N, hee.)
I don't know whether you'll be reading this but babe, you are that blessing. :)
xoxo,
Jan
omg babe, i somehow had this random urge to view all of our old pictures in the various albums over the years. the times spent from drinking days in '08 and 21st birthdays, to missing our flight in bkk and our first visits to avalon last month. and then i decided to hop on over here, and saw this. i must say that a corner of my heart melted off today. (not to sound corny or anything but) i literally kinda felt a chill run down my spine and my hairs stiffen for a bit. i am truly moved :')
ReplyDelete"She belonged to no club and was a member of nothing in the world." -- Carson McCullers, The Member of the Wedding
i think i can safely say that everyone has felt this way at some point in their lives. but there is certainly nothing wrong with that, with not being associated with anything or anyone. don't be afraid. embrace it, you should be proud of it.
i just want you to know that you don't have to try hard at all to fit into any group or idealized notion or social construct. you don't have to feel desperate about being accepted or being a part of anything. you don't have to try to belong to anywhere. you are awesome the way you are and i love you for that! you are not forgotten. be true, and be yourself, cos you're meant to be that way, and you're shining through just like a diamond in a world of coal.
i want you to know too, that many may have come and gone, but i'm still here, and always will be. yes, for the long haul. and you have most definitely made an impact on my life. no matter how awful a day i'm having, no matter how little sleep i've had, time spent with you always leaves me with a tingling sense of warmth and joy in my heart. nevermind the fatigue, the crankiness and my pounding head!
you might not realize this, but you have been a huge blessing to me as well. and i am thankful to God for having placed someone so special in my life. LOVE YOU ALWAYS.
XXXX.
- B.